I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
