haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
