she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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