he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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