There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
