apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
