Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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