I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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