from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
