How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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