this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
