I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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