a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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