Swine flu. Run for my life!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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