About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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