pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
