I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Randomize
