I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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