the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
