between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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