It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
