please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize