I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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