please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
this hospital has no fireball
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I still have a little drunk in my system
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize