i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
