Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
