i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
