OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
