chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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