So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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