if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
