Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
