finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
