i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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