make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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