don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
