Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's never too late to be topless.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
