grandma shit on top of the toilet
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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