she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
