she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
