just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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