I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize