One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
