he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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