My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
