WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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