I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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