I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
