youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sober January is a disaster.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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