I faked an abortion last night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I understand Curling. That high.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
