Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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