I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
