I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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