I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
