and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
