I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
