Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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