Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
