my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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