cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Text me some of your sweat
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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