Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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